I was on my couch trying to recover from some weird strain of European flu when Michelle (boss) comes in saying “Right, get dressed, we’re going to a Halloween party tonight with a bonfire and they’re all English so you don’t have an excuse.” And she was right. I didn’t.
So I have this vision of a huge bonfire in the middle of provincial Galacia filled with hot English guys and marshmallows and good tunes.
We arrive to be greeted by a couple of about 55 (now don’t get me wrong, I know a fair few fun 50ish year olds and age is no excuse for being truly fucked up), their daughter of 14 years, a German girl who’s married to an English guy with a toddler and English mum and her daughter (28) who are keeping their horse at the yard. So no hot guys. That’s cool, it’ll still be fun.
So we all sit round the table and everyone seems lovely at first. Until I learn that the English couple are full on vegans who don’t let their daughter watch any form of television, believe in alternative horse care (which involves standing in the rain with your ponies in the middle of the night to make them feel better about themselves) and proceed to tell us how they’re going to save the world through happiness and spirituality. A few conversations with the daughter and I realize she’s a nutcase too. She gives us all pieces of paper with which to make Halloween masks (keep in mind everyone at the table but her is over 20) and we’re invited to make them as funny as possible. I proceed to colour in a transvestite dracula, probably not the best thing in retrospect, but she and her mum thought it was “dreadfully naughty har har har!”.
The little girl brings out a platter. “I’ve been waiting all day to bring these out, you’ll positively adore them! Har har!”. On the platter are eyeballs, mice and fingers made out of condensed milk and coconut which is quite cute and clever, I think, until I see the likeness of the mice to tampons! They’re little white finger things with a piece of string coming out of them and Michelle, failing to recognize the resemblance, picks one up and starts sucking and chewing on it “Mmmm, these are lovely!” Hahaha! Laura (28 year old English girl we’ve been hanging out with) looks over at me and we can’t contain our laughter as we’ve both obviously had the same thought! No one else has any idea how hard it is for us not to laugh, because they’re not the type of people to share our humour.
The night hasn’t gotten completely hilarious yet but is doing very badly at keeping her giggles at the ridiculousness of the situation under wraps! I am in somewhat the same situation.
We go outside for a bonfire (actually it was more of a collection of planks slightly burning) and have sparklers lit for us and handed out to us. We all have to write a wish in the sky with them. How lovely. So I ask where the marshmallows are. “Well, marshmallows have gelatin in them so we don’t have any.” Gay!!! If there’s nothing to perve on at least give me marshmallows, Laura and I comment. Meanwhile, we’re trying to find any beer, win, spirits in the vicinity that may be consumed. Nothing.
Next we all go into the barn for a ‘performance’. This sounds interesting! We’re treated to a concert by Dad and child. “This one is one I wrote when I was 7, its about how I’m supposed to grow up straight according to society.” Says the 14 year old, “This one I wrote last year in Spanish, the words are a work in progress so please be patient”. Oh my god! This is bloody hilarious!!! There are cries from the Mum “Oh oh! Sing ‘Life’s a Bitch’, that’s a good one!” I’m looking at Laura and laughing behind my ghost pie! Then, in the middle of the second song, my ears hurting from over-pretentious 14 year old screeching in my ears, I suddenly fall right through my chair!!! Of course, nothing funnier could have happened at this point in time and everyone bursts out laughing and complimenting on my ability to not drop a crumb of apple pie whilst falling through my chair!!! At least the ‘performance’ stopped!!!
One of the funniest nights I’ve had since I’ve been here! Even though all the laughing was at others’ (and my) expenses! Laura and I had a good laugh the next morning and tried to figure out if it in fact was a dream or if it did happen. Too good!